T3 Newsletter-January 2009

The world our teenagers live in differs dramatically from the world their parents grew up in. Children today mature faster physically and have easier access to drugs and alcohol than before. The National Center on Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA) reports in its 2008 survey that marijuana is more available than ever:

                             • 23 % of 12-17 year-olds are able to get marijuana in an hour or less.
• 42% of teens are able to get it in a day or less.

This marks a 35% increase over 2007, for teens who can get marijuana in an hour or less. For years, CASA has been asking teens: "Which is easiest for someone your age to buy: cigarettes, beer, marijuana, or prescription drugs such as OxyContin, Percocet, Vicodin or Ritalin, without a prescription?" Over the years, teens have indicated that cigarettes and marijuana are easiest to buy, followed by beer and then prescription drugs. For the first time (2008), more teens said that prescription drugs are easier to buy than beer.
CASA-National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse XIII: Teens and Parents

At Teens Talk Truth, we're proponents of random drug testing as recommended by many professionals who treat adolescents. This is another tool parents can use for increasing accountability and offers teens a valid excuse to "just say no".

Here's what Suzie B*, age 19, had to say about random drug testing after her parents discovered her marijuana use:

"Because I knew up front I was going to be randomly drug tested, I didn't feel violated. It felt like a routine part of being a teenager. My friends thought it was extreme that I was tested, but it gave me a great excuse to turn down a joint. I'm not opposed to doing this with my children someday, but I'd have to have a good reason."

And Danny M*, age 15, said, "My parents started doing random drug tests when I was in Middle School and I think it's a good idea. It doesn't seem weird now, because they started doing it long before I had the opportunity to use drugs."
*The names have been changed to protect anonymity.

In addition to drug testing, there are other ways for parents to learn what's going on within their homes. One of the programs which is meeting with success is, D.A.D.S. (Dogs Against Drugs and Violence). It offers parents and employers a way to confirm or deny the presence of illegal substances and firearms in the home or workplace.

Kim Newman has been training domestic and exotic animals for over 26 years. She is a USDA certified Master Falconer and has extensive experience working with wildlife in both North America and Africa. She is the founder and CEO of Smartcritters, Inc., an Atlanta-based dog training school. Smartcritters was named the 2007 Best Dog Trainers in Atlanta, by Creative Loafing magazine. Kim began working with Ronald Parson in training police service dogs, and together they founded D.A.D.S. "Dogs Against Drugs and Violence", This is a non-profit foundation which provides school-based drug and violence intervention programs using scent dogs, retired guide dogs and tracking dogs to teach students to make better life decisions. In addition, Kim and Ronald conduct in-home searches to assist parents who suspect their children are hiding alcohol, drugs and/or firearms. Ronald and his police service dog, Kadia, recently retired from the state of Georgia's Canine Team. He brings to the foundation over 20 years of experience in law enforcement, including 18 years as a canine officer and extensive work in undercover narcotics law enforcement. We talked this week to Kim Newman about D.A.D.S.

TTT: How did you get the idea for D.A.D.S.?

KN: I started a guide dog program at the woman's metro prison in Atlanta several years ago. I saw first-hand how animals made a difference mentally, emotionally, and physically in these women's lives. Later, I met Ron and talked with him about the experience he gained in over 20 years in law enforcement. As a canine officer, his duties included searching schools for drugs. Ron explained that if drugs were found, the student was charged with a crime. Because he was based in the state prison in Alto, Georgia, he knew that a drug conviction could haunt someone for rest of their lives. Once a young person has an arrest record that includes drug charges, they can find it hard to make the positive life changes they need, and often want, to make. A felony conviction also completely precludes some career paths, regardless of how a young person re-orients after a conviction. Ron and I both wanted to help these kids to see how the life choices they make now will affect them for the rest of their lives. We both became certified to teach the, "Too Good for Drugs and Violence" program, adding the detector dogs and therapy dogs. We felt like we could use our experience and dogs to teach young people before they got into the criminal justice system.

TTT: How often is a parent or employer correct when they suspect illegal drug use?

KN: 50%-75% of the time, a parent or employer's gut reaction is correct. But, we repeatedly hear parents and school staff say, "We had no idea" and "I can't believe he/she would do that".

TTT: Are you or Ron actually part of the intervention process?

KN: Absolutely. In our home-based programs, we're both available to meet with the parents and do the home searches with the detector dogs. We also find that, sometimes, having Ron sit down and talk with the student is helpful. Ron's "street" experience often gives him credibility with young people that allows him to talk about substance abuse or violence. Because Ron and his wife raised two children of their own, he also knows what being a parent means. Additionally, we can recommend therapists who have training and experience in substance abuse and violence counseling.

TTT: Do you come into the home when the kids are there or at school?

KN: Our in-home searches are done at the discretion of the parent and it is up to them if the child is present.

TTT: If you find illegal drugs or firearms are you required to report it to police?

KN: NO! We are strictly an intervention program, and all information is completely confidential. The parents, school administrators or human resources office decide what the best treatment plan is for each individual.

TTT: What's the average cost for a family or small business?

KN: Our home and small business programs are billed at an hourly rate of $200;
with an average of two hours for the search and consultation. We try to work with all clients so that anyone who wants help can get it. We also have fixed rates for scheduled, but unannounced monthly home visits.

TTT: What is the most surprising thing you've encountered since you've been
working with D.A.D.S.?

KN: There are two things that have been something of a surprise. First, is that so many middle and upper-income parents think that drug and violence problems are somehow confined to lower income families, areas, and schools. These parents are dead wrong, and every single study done in this area has shown this to be true. Drug abuse is a problem in all economic levels and all neighborhoods. Rich, poor or middle class, the drug problem cuts across all socio-economic groups and extends all the way down to elementary schools. The other thing that has surprised us is how slow the public has been to grasp the fact that our traditional drug education and intervention programs simply don't work very well. Telling a 15 year-old, "If you use drugs you are going to be in big trouble", is not a deterrent. We need to give young people concrete help in making good life decisions, setting long term goals and understanding peer pressure.

TTT: What can we, as parents learn from your years of training dogs and other animals? And, no, I'm not kidding!

KN:
1. That leadership in the pack (family) is crucial for all to succeed.

2. Be consistent with your corrections, but don't forget to praise when rules are followed.

3. Don't growl when a glance will do.

4. The best way to learn life experiences is to play hard.

5. When faced with confrontation, sometimes turning your head away and yawning is better than a fight.

6. As an individual, survival can be hard. But, as an active part of a pack (family), you will always be loved and have a support group with whom you can move through life.

TTT: Kim, who is your program suitable for?

KN: Everyone can benefit from this program. We work with parents, schools, recreation centers, religious organizations and businesses. For groups, we use a prevention program designed to reduce the risk of students becoming involved with illegal drugs and violence. The curriculum we use is nationally recognized and has been proven to reduce risk factors while enhancing protective factors... We use these same principles and training dogs for our in-home search and intervention program.

In addition to working in the Atlanta metro area, Kim Newman and Ron Parson offer programs and in-home searches in other states, as well. For more information visit the website, http://www.Smartcritters.net or call 404.234.0688. 

                   T3 Newsletter-February 2009

Psychotherapist, Evan Katz has spent the last decade counseling teenage and adult males with anger & substance abuse issues. Katz is a Master Addiction Counselor, offering evaluations for substance abuse and "anger assessments". In addition to individual psychotherapy and group therapy, he conducts seminars and is available for speaking engagements. For more information go to:
http://www.theangerguy.com 

TTT: Is being angry a normal part of being a teenager?

EK:It’s good to remember that being angry is the behavior and having angry feelings is a normal part of being a person!  Are feelings of anger normal for a teen? Yes, absolutely. Is the expression of that anger normal? Yes, but how it is expressed is what “anger issues” are really all about.  It is how those feelings are expressed that concerns us. Adolescents are going through a process called “individuation”, in which they are leaving the innocent child’s life and reaching toward adulthood. I consider this process to be a rite of passage, which every person must endure. How we were taught to value our “self” as a child, will largely determine how we undergo this transition from childhood to adulthood. Teens express individuation by showing their independence from what they “used to be,” (dependent children) to what they “want to be” (independent adults). They express individuality in numerous ways, including: oppositional behavior, going to extremes to stand out (e.g. music, clothes, purple hair, etc.), voicing strong opinions and different forms of experimentation. Since the teen is having so many new feelings, experiences and life changes, everything feels out of control. Typically, when anyone feels out of control, they compensate by acting in control, or “controlling.” This is a major expression of their anger.

TTT: What’s appropriate anger?

EK: An appropriate expression of anger is one in which it is used for the purpose of healthy protection; be it physical or emotional. Angry feelings motivate us to “fight” (push away someone or something not good for us) or “flight” (pull away or hide ourselves from someone or something not good for us). When used in proportion to the threat, anger is fully appropriate.

TTT:  Why are boys typically angrier than girls?

EK: Young men learn to fear the verbalization of genuine feelings, as this creates emotional vulnerability. They have learned that to express vulnerability means to risk rejection. Thus, they suppress these feelings. But feelings will always come out if they are strong enough. And if we don’t talk them out, then we will act them out. Anger is the way the psyche protects itself from someone getting near those vulnerable feelings. Girls are more often conditioned to view the expression of emotions as positive. Since they’ve learned to talk about how they feel, they have less need to protect those vulnerable feelings. This is one reason why it’s so important for girls to have a strong female support system.

TTT:  What’s the real reason behind angry behavior?

EK: Anger-related behaviors are fear-based. They protect the “self” from being touched or discovered. There is fear that if this “self” is discovered, then it will be rejected. Therefore, angry behavior is how we act to keep you away from the real me. Some of these protective mechanisms might be through overachievement (keeping you from knowing that I’m not good enough) or underachievement (avoiding rejection completely by not trying). These expressions of anger are ways to protect the self from the perceived threat of not being accepted and “a part of” a group. Ultimately, teens all want connection of some sort and they all want to be understood.

TTT: What’s the connection between anger and depression? How can you tell the difference?

EK: Depression is often the result of the inward expression of anger. One of the ways teens of both sexes, deal with emotional fear and lack of acceptance, is blaming themselves for circumstances out of their control. When they do this, they determine their value as a human being, based on the response they receive. For some teens, it’s easier to beat yourself up than it is to engage in conflict. For others, they would rather blame you than look at themselves. So depression is the result of anger turned inward. Depressive symptoms vary. But in males, depression is often expressed via angry behavior, since they’re trying to suppress their anger toward themselves.

Note: This is different than biochemical depression, although it shares many of the same symptoms.

TTT:  I understand there are different types of angry personalities: Fighters who are aggressive, Flighters who are passive and Pretenders who are passive-aggressive. Can you elaborate on these styles?

EK: Fighters, are those who externalize their anger. It’s everyone’s fault but theirs. They’re the ones I usually see first. But these young men will usually work through it, as their acting out behavior eventually forces them to address underlying issues. Pretenders, or passive-aggressive people, are those who express their anger indirectly while managing to deflect the blame for their behavior. They appear rational and reasonable, but manage to remain unaccountable and often get their way. They avoid being confronted or challenged on their behavior, as it seems rational on the surface. Dealing with passive aggressive behavior is tricky because you can’t easily explain what the passive aggressive person is doing wrong. It is a highly manipulative and particularly powerful way to express anger. It is accomplished almost entirely at the other person’s expense. A simple way to express passive aggressive anger is through sarcasm. For example, Joe is sarcastic to Sally and says, “Oh, interesting hairstyle, Sally!” Sally is hurt, but is also confused because Joe said it jokingly. She isn’t sure what to feel. All the while, Joe has achieved complete power over Sally’s feelings. Flighters, are those who internalize their anger. This is the most self-injurious anger, since this person isolates their feelings of anger from the rest of the world. They seethe inside, while making themselves invisible or “under the radar” to others. They believe that the hurtful behaviors of others are somehow their fault.  I believe suicide rates to be the highest among teens with this type of anger.

TTT:  Does playing sports or being physically active help teens with anger problems?

EK: Not directly. In fact, recent studies show that expressing anger in an aggressive manner, with the intention of resolving such anger, does not work. In fact, it reinforces the aggressive angry behavior. However, there are many great reasons to participate in physical activity and group sports. Such activities may prevent angry feelings from manifesting (working themselves out on the field), but such activity would not be directly helpful in resolving the anger.

TTT: How do violent video games, movies or TV shows impact teens?

EK: Clinically, I’m not sure. However, my years of experience have clearly shown a connection. Angry men, including young men, tend to identify with angry themes. They say they “connect” and “feel understood” by the actors or scenarios in these media genres. It’s a passive-aggressive way of getting out anger without hurting anyone directly. Yet, you will see men addicted to video games and then justify their behavior by saying, “Don’t you want me to get rid of the anger like this? Better at the game, than at you!”

TTT: What’s the best thing we can do as parents of an angry teen?

  •  Remember! It’s easy to forget what being a teen was like. Many parents tell me, “But I don’t want him to experience what I had to go through.” When you were a teen, would you have let your parents help you?”
  • Listen.  Focus on understanding rather than on being understood.
  • Don’t take it personally. Your child’s experience is about him, not about you. Your fear of being rejected is not his problem, it’s yours.
  • Meet them where they are. Talk from an “I” position. Talk about what you felt and experienced, without making mention of their experience. For example, “I remember when I was in high school and asked this girl to the prom and she turned me down. Oh my gosh, I wanted to find a hole and just hide forever. It was the worst!”.  They may not say anything, but they will have heard you.
  • You cannot give what you don’t have. You cannot give love and compassion to your teen if you do not have it for yourself. And you will give what you do have. You will give criticism and judgment to them, if you are critical and judgmental of yourself.

TTT: When does a teenager need professional help?

EK: It’s important to allow young people to fall and get up on their own. Struggle, has many valuable lessons and is not a bad thing in and of itself. But, when behavior patterns become consistently destructive; to themselves and those around them, it is better to be proactive, rather than reactive. After the fact, so many teens will tell me that they were angry at their parents at first, but are really glad they were made to go to counseling. When teens feel out of control and see their relationships falling apart, they want help. But like adults, they often don’t know how to ask for it. Being angry, extra difficult, and even delinquent, are their ways of indirectly asking for help. They’re saying, “Stop me, because I can’t!” We have to be secure enough within ourselves as parents, that it’s okay if our children are unhappy with us for seeking help. Finally, if a child ever suggests ending his or her life, or if friends suggest this, call a licensed mental health professional immediately! You can also take your child to a hospital emergency room or psychiatric hospital. If necessary, call 911. It’s is always better to err on the side of safety.

March 2009-T3 Newsletter 

“As a working mom, I had constantly found my business world and personal worlds colliding. Over the years, I had naturally begun to use my work tools to organize our home life. Complicated carpools? No problem, a color-coded spreadsheet will do the trick. Painting estimates? Make sure you ask each person the same five questions — display the answers on a chart. Chores for the kids? Lay it out so all can see. Chart after chart, spreadsheet after spreadsheet, my business skills were guiding me through motherhood, providing me with much valued order in my home. Though I knew that this approach might not be the answer for everyone, I had been asked for help from enough other busy moms to know that I had tools other people could use.  So with a computer full of spreadsheets, checklists and essays, I revisited my idea from years ago, an idea that had lain dormant since the birth of my third son. I decided to write the book on which I’d based my adult family life, The Business of Motherhood.
TTT: Amy, this excerpt from your contribution to the book, Knowing Pains: Women on Love, Sex and Work in our 40s,  http://astore.amazon.com/www.businessof-20/detail/1595942548  seems to sum up the birth of the idea for the Business of Motherhood book. For those who didn’t catch your appearance on The Today Show in January (link to Today video -- http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/28796190 , will you explain about the advent of the website, BusinessOfMotherhood.com (link – http://www.businessofmotherhood.com  and the corresponding blog, MomTiniLounge.com?  http://www.momtinilounge.com
AKS: Absolutely!  Long story short, I’m a journalist who started a PR firm (http://www.writeideas.com).  I’m blessed to have conquered so many “mountains” in the writing world with one exception.  I’ve always dreamed of writing a book.  As I wrote in the essay, I have constantly found my personal and work worlds colliding, and in pitching book agents on The Business of Motherhood, I was told I needed a web presence first.  Little did I know that these websites would take me down a cyberpath I had no idea existed or could be so much fun!
TTT: Since you run several businesses and you’re a mother of three boys (under 11!), what is your favorite organizational tool on the website http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/momlife.html )?
AKS:  Tough question since I believe any spreadsheet or chart will make a mom’s life easier.  Most of the charts are on the “Mom Life” page now. (http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/momlife.html ) My personally most used chart is the Chore Chart (http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/momlife.html#M5  because I insist that our kids take an active role at home…daily!

TTT: In the “Mom Life” section http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/momlife.html of your website you have all kinds of ideas for scheduling. Which scheduling ideas are most helpful for divorced parents? 
AKS: I’d have to refer again to the chore chart http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/momlife.html#M5 mentioned above, because helpful kids are even more critical since you’re going it solo.  The carpool grid (http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/momlife.html#M4 ) is also useful, so that single parents can share the driving.

TTT: My personal favorite in that same section, is the meal planning schedule from Mike Lippman’s guest blog http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/images/Lunch_Requests_Chart.pdf)
Which organizing tool is downloaded the most?
AKS: We get a lot of traffic, especially in this economy, for the Monthly-Annual Budget Worksheet ( http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/momlife.html#M6 ) .  It lets you input all of your expenses, while the chart automatically tabulates your total expenses.  It’s shocking when you see the bottom line, and it helps you manage expenses and see where even a $10 savings weekly can add up.  Another favorite is the Medical History chart .(http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/momlife.html#M6 )  It’s so important to keep track of your kids’ medicines and illnesses for future treatment/guidance.  A pediatrician recently suggested we add “allergies” to that chart.

TTT: Amy, you’ve got so many terrific categories to choose from in the MomTini Lounge (http://www.momtinilounge.com) What’s one of the hottest topics on the blog, right now? 
AKS: We’ve added links to lots of posts on teens (http://www.businessofmotherhood.com/momlife.html#teens ).  The hottest topic is definitely “online safety”,  including ways we can manage the risks of technology in our kids’ worlds.

TTT: I just finished reading Vanessa Van Petten’s book, You’re Grounded: How to Stop Fighting and Make the Teenage Years Easier, which is in the Mom-tastic Bookshelf http://astore.amazon.com/wwwbusinessof-20 section of the website. How do you decide who makes the Mom-tastic list?
AKS: Great question!  There’s some latitude, of course, but my mission is to be the go-to place for the how-to.  So, I look for parenting books that aren’t philosophical or long-winded, but give parents valuable shortcuts to managing home and kids. 
Note: Vanessa Van Petten will be featured in next month’s T3 Newsletter talking about her book, “You’re Grounded!: How to Stop Fighting and Make the Teenage Years Easier”.
TTT: And finally, the $64,000 question. What’s the most difficult thing for you to handle being a mom and a businesswoman?
AKS:  Wow…tough one.  Definitely the balancing act.  I do believe that all moms are working moms, and I hope my boys will grow up with more independence and appreciation for the hard work a mom does both inside and outside the home and help to support their families both financially and at the kitchen sink when needed!

Amy Kossoff Smith (41) is married in Maryland with three boys under the age of 11.  She founded BusinessofMotherhood.com (http://businessofmotherhood.com), a site that presents motherhood as a legitimate and valuable job, and provides tips and tactics to help moms manage their busy lives. Her blog has regular posts about topics of interest to the business of motherhood. An internationally recognized “Mompreneur”, she is a national wire columnist, with weekly columns appearing in newspapers and online nationwide. She has appeared on The Today Show, FOX, CBS, and NBC News, on XM Satellite Radio, and in newspapers nationwide.  She runs Write Ideas, Inc. (http://www.writeideas.com), a public relations and promotions firm she founded in 1992.    

April 2009

"Radical Parenting"
An Interview with Vanessa Van Petten

RadicalParenting.com, is a parenting blog from the kid's perspective, written by Vanessa Van Petten and 15 teen writers who give parents advice, tips and a secret view into their world. Van Petten is also the author of,  You're Grounded!:How to Stop Fighting and Make the Teenage Years Easier, which she wrote at the age of 17.When I first talked to Vanessa, I was delighted to discover there was someone else promoting advice for parents from today's teens. I was thoroughly impressed by her book, "You're Grounded",  and delightfully surprised at the depth of her insight and skilled writing. (In other words, it's not a "fluff" book.) Additionally, I've learned a lot from her blog on  Radical Parenting.  
                                                                                            -Lisa Smith Henderson, Host of Teens Talk Truth 
   
TTT: Vanessa, Several times in your book you talk about "the more parents hold their teenagers back, the more they will want to explode later". How do parents know when to restrict and set firm boundaries and how do we know when to "let go"?
V V P: Of course, this is a delicate balance.  You can usually tell when a kid or teen is just wanting something or actually needing something to be able to function well with you inside of your relationship.  I also think that a good measure is if your child is able to write down in a letter for you, all of the pros and cons of what they need and can see both sides. Then they actually are appreciating the depth of the decision and responsibility they are asking for.

TTT: When you wrote the book you were in high school and dealing with the pressures of school on a daily basis. What would you like for parents to know about helping their kids deal with the pressure of schoolwork?

V V P: I wrote an article about school burn-out that answers this exact question (click here for the article).
Most of all parents need to understand that if kids are stressed and feeling pressure, they need you to understand that and not question it or try to lessen it through words.  Saying things like "it will get better tomorrow" or "it cannot be that bad" or "I am sure if you just wait a few days and you will forget all about it", makes us feel more alone with our pressure and stress.

TTT:  There's a particular "Don't" you mention in your book. "Don't Be Duped", by  believing everything your teen tells you. How do we look for the truth in a situation without disrespecting our child?

V V P:Facial expression. Teens can be very good at lying, but they are not good at covering facial expressions.  With teens I know well, I can almost always tell when their behavior shifts slightly and they are lying.  Watch closely by looking at their face and body language when you know they are telling the truth and see how they respond to a planted lie or when they are lying about something little. I call this "lying behavior".

TTT: What's the biggest mistake you see parents make with their teenagers?

V V P: Not taking them seriously or underestimating their aptitude for depth and emotional intelligence.  I think teens are very mature and often desire and need to be challenged intellectually and emotionally.  When you treat them maturely, they tend to rise to the occasion...that works the other way as well.

TTT:  In your research and interviewing for your book, what was the most surprising thing that other teens told you?

V V P: The surprising thing for me was that teens have such anger towards their parents and many parents do not even realize how powerful that anger can be.  The good news is, almost everyone I went back to and re-interviewed, had calmed down and built back the relationship that had disappeared with their parents during the teen years.

TTT:  Vanessa, you just launched your new website, www.RadicalParenting.com. The site is loaded with great information for parents from the teen's viewpoint. One of the Radical Parenting Principles is to: "Live the You-Them-You Perspective", will you explain what this means exactly?

V V P: Sure, I have an article coming out about this.  I teach this to teens and kids and think it is even more helpful for them.  It is basically teaching perspective.  Thinking about what you need and your boundaries and what you would be willing to compromise on.  This can be in an argument or a relationship.  Then thinking about the other person completely.  Putting yourself in their shoes and argue against yourself.  Then come back to you and think about compromising the two.  You always develop better relationships and perspectives thinking this way.

TTT:  I'm seeing some alarming trends where teens are learning to get drunk in unusual ways: alcohol-soaked tampons, hand sanitizer and another that's mentioned on your website, the "eye shot". As much as I don't want to know, are there other things teens are doing to circumvent breathalyzers and parents who are using "alcohol on the breath" as the primary method of detection?

V V P: I know teens are also injecting fruit with vodka and taking it to dances and school.  The only method parents are 
using is the smell and of course, odd actions.  My biggest worry is actually marijuana, not alcohol.   
  
Vanessa Van Petten wrote the book, You're Grounded...." when she was a senior in high school after conducting more than 700 interviews with teenagers, parents, and teachers in Los Angeles, California. She decided to write "You're Grounded!" in order to be a role model for teenagers and to be a window into the lives of this generation for parents.The book is available on Amazon.com. Just click on the title below.

 

                                                                             May 2009 Newsletter

"How to Talk to Your Teen"
Teens Talk Truth contributor, Stephen Preas, M.D., Medical Director of Promedica Psychiatry Group, (www.PromedicaPsychiatryGroup.com)  makes these suggestions: 

   "Children learn best when parents share the mistakes they've made in a similar situation and how they've fixed them. The worst thing you can do is to be an accidental "know-it-all", so they're scared to ask you questions if they need help."

  • "Never underestimate the power of discussing an issue with both parents present. It's critical for the child to know that parents are on the same page and are the leaders. You don't want the child to outvote one of the parents on an issue."
  • "In the course of a discussion, if a child reveals something they've done which warrants a consequence, it's okay to defer that discussion until later. While you do want to keep the door open for communication, you may also need to impose appropriate consequences.
  • "If your child is under the influence, ALWAYS postpone a discussion until the child  has sobered up or isn't high."

 

 And from psychotherapist and Teens Talk Truth contributor, Tara Arnold, PhD:
(www.TaraArnoldInc.com)

  •  "Be non-reactive and empathetic, even if what you're hearing shocks you. If you cut them off verbally or punish them in the moment, they'll never want to come  to you again. It may be appropriate to enforce consequences later, but not  while your teen is confiding in you."
  • "Don't be afraid to ask questions. Sometimes parents don't ask because they don't  think they can deal with the answers. As a parent you will be able to handle it  and get the support you need."

The Teens Talk Truth teen panel adds: 

  • "Talk to us as equals, but with authority. Don't discount our feelings just because  of our age." 
  •  "It doesn't work to say, Don't do drugs, they're bad. Give examples of things that actually happened to you or a friend that had a bad outcome.  It makes more of an impact if I know something actually happened to my parents or someone my parents know."
  •  "Don't yell. Ever."
  •  "Be open-minded about what your kid has to say. Try not to judge me or my friends when I talk to you about something that's happened."
  •  "Don't talk as if you know exactly what we're going through, because every person/situation is  unique."
  • " Make sure you set up a scenario that allows for a free flow of ideas and discussion. If you're both at ease, what is said will be exactly what you want to say to your child."

When your teen has just told you they've done the thing you fear the most (drinking, drug use, sex), it's difficult to hold your tongue and stay calm. However, the most important thing you can do in that moment is to listen and respond without judgement. Eventually, your child will learn that you're a "safe" person to talk to when they're in trouble or worried.

  June 2009-T3 Newsletter

As parents it seems we're continually struggling with the balance of building "self-esteem" and yet encouraging our children to do better in life. Dr. Stephen Preas challenges this notion of self-esteem and suggests we look instead at "sense of self". I love this concept which asks us as parents to step away from what we want and support our child in becoming who he or she truly is as a human being.

                           -Lisa Smith Henderson, Host   

  Dr. Stephen Preas has been practicing Psychiatry for over 25 year and is the Medical Director for Promedica Psychiatry Group  (PromedicaPsychiatryGroup.com) in metro Atlanta  He is a past president of the Georgia Society for Adolescent Psychiatry and in 2000, was named Psychiatrist of the Year by the Georgia Psychiatric Physicians Association. His areas of expertise are addiction, adolescence and self-image. Dr. Preas is the author and producer of the CD and DVD, "Self and Self Esteem, Is There a Hole in Your Bucket?" Both are available at the Teens Talk Truth Online Store.  
TTT: What is the difference between Self-esteem and Self-image?
Preas:  What I'm concerned with is "sense of self". It's crucial to have a sense of self. Esteem is never the hard part, the problem comes from not having an intact sense of self.
TTT: Why is adolescence such a critical time for developing a sense of self?
Preas: It's your last chance to develop a complete enough sense of self so that you can become a successful, independent adult.
TTT: Can you explain in layman's terms the purpose of "self" and its impact on mental health?
Preas: Self is a drive, maybe the drive which explains why we do everything. Lack of a sense of self becomes one of the greatest risk factors in terms of being suicidal. Suicide is a very primitive and sad way of trying to have a sense of self. It is the ultimate rebellion against parents and society. The bottom line is: If you don't do it in a healthy way, you'll do it in a sick way, but you will develop a sense of self.
TTT: What are some signs that my child has a poor sense of self or an unhealthy sense of self?
Preas:

· They don't respond well to stress.
· They crumble when schoolwork's not good, a friendship
   goes sour or a romantic relationship breaks up.
· They can't "self-soothe" in a healthy way.

The better you are at facing stress the further you will go in life. Presidents, Generals and CEOs are able to handle great levels of stress.

TTT: What can parents do if a child exhibits poor sense of self?
Preas: If the parent can't teach a child how to deal with stress, then seek professional help. Biologically, the amygdala processes emotions and if the brain doesn't process well, then medication may be necessary. Medication can help "turn down the intensity" of emotions such as anger, fear and sadness, so that a person can think clearly again. Feelings aren't destructive, but the behavior can be.

TTT: At what age is our "sense of self" fully developed? (ideally)

Preas: I've known people who at 6 years old, knew they wanted to be in business. They'd gather things from around the house, put them on a tray, put price tags on them and start to sell. They were entrepreneurs that early on. Many of the people who appear on American Idol and other shows of that genre, knew their career path early on.  Also, some developmental psychiatrists and psychologists believe that you can't solidify a sense of self without a crisis.  We also know this as a "rite of passage" in some cultures. In some parts of the world, the adolescent boy or girl goes through a tribal ritual to mark the entry into adulthood.  These are rites that are designed to create (however mild), a crisis. In America, with the exception of Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, there is very little demarcation between childhood and adulthood.

TTT: What is the role of a parent in this developmental process?

Preas: During infancy and young life, the role of a father is to help the mother and bond with the child. The father is then the steppingstone to adolescence. The child must move away from mom to dad, then to independence. This developmental phase applies to both boys and girls. 
Learn about developing good boundaries, how emotional intensity changes your thinking and how to manage a crisis in the CD or DVD, "Self and Self Esteem, Is There A Hole in Your Bucket?", click here to order. 
May 2009 Newsletter
"How to Talk to Your Teen"
Teens Talk Truth contributor, Stephen Preas, M.D., Medical Director of Promedica Psychiatry Group, (www.PromedicaPsychiatryGroup.com)  makes these suggestions: 

 

 

 "Children learn best when parents share the mistakes they've made in a similar situation and how they've fixed them. The worst thing you can do is to be an accidental "know-it-all", so they're scared to ask you questions if they need help."

  • "Never underestimate the power of discussing an issue with both parents present. It's critical for the child to know that parents are on the same page and are the leaders. You don't want the child to outvote one of the parents on an issue."
  • "In the course of a discussion, if a child reveals something they've done which warrants a consequence, it's okay to defer that discussion until later. While you do want to keep the door open for communication, you may also need to impose appropriate consequences.
  • "If your child is under the influence, ALWAYS postpone a discussion until the child  has sobered up or isn't high."

 

 

    And from psychotherapist and Teens Talk Truth contributor, Tara Arnold, PhD: (www.TaraArnoldInc.com)

  •  "Be non-reactive and empathetic, even if what you're hearing shocks you. If you cut them off verbally or punish them in the moment, they'll never want to come  to you again. It may be appropriate to enforce consequences later, but not  while your teen is confiding in you."
  • "Don't be afraid to ask questions. Sometimes parents don't ask because they don't  think they can deal with the answers. As a parent you will be able to handle it  and get the support you need."

The Teens Talk Truth teen panel adds: 

  • "Talk to us as equals, but with authority. Don't discount our feelings just because  of our age." 
  •  "It doesn't work to say, Don't do drugs, they're bad. Give examples of things that actually happened to you or a friend that had a bad outcome.  It makes more of an impact if I know something actually happened to my parents or someone my parents know."
  •  "Don't yell. Ever."
  •  "Be open-minded about what your kid has to say. Try not to judge me or my friends when I talk to you about something that's happened."
  •  "Don't talk as if you know exactly what we're going through, because every person/situation is  unique."
  • " Make sure you set up a scenario that allows for a free flow of ideas and discussion. If you're both at ease, what is said will be exactly what you want to say to your child."

When your teen has just told you they've done the thing you fear the most (drinking, drug use, sex), it's difficult to hold your tongue and stay calm. However, the most important thing you can do in that moment is to listen and respond without judgement. Eventually, your child will learn that you're a "safe" person to talk to when they're in trouble or worried. 
 July 2009

"Monica" was very worried about her daughter's boyfriend and shares with us the chronology of events leading up to her ultimatum to her teenager.

TTT: How old was your daughter when she starting dating the boy in question?

Monica: She was 16.

TTT: Did you like him at first?
Monica: No, only because there were a lot a rumors around our community about him. He never came in the house for the family to get to know him.

TTT: Did you let your daughter know you didn't like him and why?

Monica: Yes. But she liked him and that was all that mattered to her. She was quick to remind me not to judge by the rumors, so I tried to get to know him and then judge for myself.

TTT: What were some of the ways you tried to deal with it?

Monica:  At first, I tried not to be to negative. I invited him to dinner and all of the family gatherings. Whatever the function, they both knew that he was always welcome. After a short time it became clear she did not want to attend our family dinners because she wanted to be with him. It got to the point when she was at a family event, she was miserable the whole time, which in turn made me miserable. I never forbade her to see him. I was hoping the relationship would end as most high school relationships do and she would move on. As time went on, I realized he was making her choose between her family and him.

TTT: Did any of the above work?

Monica: After about a year of dating he started to come around. Only for a short time did he come to dinner and just hang out with our family. He did go on a trip with us and the rest of the family went out of their way to make sure he was comfortable. We all thought he felt welcomed and was enjoying himself. After a few months he quit visiting and it was the same pattern over again.

TTT: Was he every physically or emotionally abusive?

Monica: As far as I know, there was not any physical abuse. There was emotional and verbal abuse. This unfortunately took a long time for me to figure out. Emotional and verbal abuse is hidden much better. You can't see the bruises.
TTT: Is she still with him?

Monica: She is not physically with him.  For the first time, I made her choose between him and her family. She left for a short time and returned home. Now she has moved away with another family member in an effort to get away from the boyfriend. He has decided he wants her back and is making it extremely difficult for her.

TTT: Has this relationship damaged her image of herself?

Monica: I do think that her self confidence has been hurt and she doesn't believe that she deserves a good relationship. The sad truth is, she has no idea what a healthy relationship is.

TTT: How did you get support for yourself during this time?

Monica: I have a wonderful husband who supported me and we worked together making decisions about what we thought was best for my daughter. Her father and his wife have also been supportive.  I have an awesome family and great friends who have lent a good ear and offered comfort. I also have a good therapist who I saw.  I took the advice that Evan Katz gave and treated myself with an ice cream. Actually, I treated my self to several !!
 
The following tips are from psychotherapist, Evan Katz (www.TheAngerGuy.com). These are suggestions he made when "Monica" needed to cope with delivering the ultimatum to her daughter. These suggestions can be applied to a number of situations, not just relationship issues.
1.What would you recommend a best friend do if she were in your position?
2. Just because your best efforts didn't work, it doesn't mean that you've failed.  It just means that they didn't work.

3. Acceptance is hard.  Your real intention and effort is for your child's well-being. 

4. We all need to fall on our own.  No one can teach us to ride a bike if they don't let go and let us fall.

5. The opposite of love is not hate; it's apathy.  If your child is angry that is a wonderful sign.  It means that you are still very important. 

6. Try not to take it personally.  This is about your child and not about you.
7. You cannot control anything that happens. The only thing you do control is how you deal with what happens.

8. You don't have to act on how you feel. Do respond, but don't react. 

9. As women, the core of your foundation is to "keep relationships together". When you do the opposite, it feels like you've failed as mother. You haven't. 

10. Remember to take care of yourself.  This means: ice cream, movies and extra enjoyment (no alcohol).  By countering the pain, you can keep your perspective.
And from the teens.....
  • "If you don't like my boyfriend/girlfriend act like you like them. If you say you don't like them we want to prove you wrong or it makes it like a "forbidden love" and it's more appealing."
  • "Don't shut the person out of my life. If you don't like them, have a legitimate reason and explain why. Don't just say, I get a bad vibe."   
  • "Don't forbid me from seeing a friend you don't like. My parents won't let me spend the night at one friend's house, but It's okay if they  come over to my house. I've had friends that my parents didn't like and eventually I came to realize that they weren't good for me. If my mother had said I couldn't be friends with them, I would've lied about where I was going and seen them anyway."
  • "The biggest mistake parents make is not understanding me and why I like who I like. Be open-minded and try to understand. It's okay for a parent to ask questions as long as they try to understand."
  • "The worse thing is a single-minded parent. Don't base your opinion of me or someone else on one thing that happened in the past."

T3 Newsletter August 2009    
  Welcome back to another exciting school year! A new academic year brings the inevitable social drama associated with teen relationships. Outlined below are studies, statistics and stories about popularity: the good, the bad and the ugly. For more on this and other topics see the Parents Talk Truth Blog and Teens Talking Truth Blog .
Lisa Smith Henderson, Host 

  Sociometrically Popular and Perceived Popular

Sociometrically popular youth are those who are well-liked by others, show cooperative behavior and score low on overt or social aggression. The other term used by sociologists within the last 10 years is perceived popular. These are teens who are well-known and emulated, but not necessarily well-liked. In a 2003 study by Vaillancourt, Hymel and McDougall, they found an association between bullying and perceived popularity. This group appears to use a strategic combination of both aggressive and pro-social behaviors to manipulate others in ways that lead to or maintain their higher status. The following story from a Teens Talk Truth reporter, highlights the behavior of the perceived popular boys in his class.

"In middle school the popular boys began to call me "scrub" and "fag" for about 6 months. The leader of the popular guys, "Bob",  had hooked up with a few girls that he didn't want anyone to know about it.  I accidentally found out about the girls and when he knew that I knew, "Bob", practically begged me not to tell anyone. I agreed to keep his secrets as long as they all left me alone.  It was an instant change and although we weren't ever friends, he and the other guys quit calling me names."   
                         -"Chad", Middle School Student
 Mean Girls
The movie, "Mean Girls" underscored the viciousness that girls are capable of in the teen years.Statistics also reflect that girls who are popular exhibit more relational aggression (insults, gossip, rumors) than boys do. As girls move through adolescence, this social aggression more often involves manipulating or threatening a girl's romantic relationship (Crick, et al 1999). Below is Julie's high school horror story:
"There were several rumors that circulated about me in high school, none of which were true or even had a grain of truth. They both involved me performing sexual acts and one rumor said I got paid with a candy bar for oral sex. It was really so ridiculous, but there were people who believed it and passed it along. There are probably people to this day who still believe that I did those things."
-"Julie", sophomore in college
Racial Divide 
A study released last year surveyed nearly 600 boys and girls from the 4th grade and followed them through the 12th grade. One finding which surprised researchers was that in the fourth grade about 50% of the cliques were of mixed race and ethnicity, but by the 12th grade, nearly 90% of cliques were of the one race or ethnicity. Because the school system which was studied was ethnically diverse, the results were even more unexpected.
One TTT reporter tells us that in her private middle school, the "Black Pack" made fun of other races besides their own.  At Teens Talk Truth, we are painfully aware that this situation has been reversed for many decades and still exists in America. However, we would be remiss in not addressing what appears to be a fairly recent phenomenon. Read what one mom wrote on the Parents Talk Truth Blog  regarding her adolescent daughter's experience along these lines.
  Popularity and Economic Success

 
A recent study by The Institute for Social and Economic Research (using data from the Wisconsin Longitudinal Studies)found a link between popularity and adult salaries. Students who were sociometrically popular and socially skilled, were more successful and higher income earners as adults. A distinction was made between being talkative and being popular. Talkative students were not as successful as the popular students. 

                    September T3 Newsletter
                            Sleep, Exercise and the Back to School Blues

                                                                                            
Stephen Preas, M.D. has been practicing psychiatry for over 20 years and is the Medical Director for Promedica Psychiatry Group in Metro Atlanta. He's a frequent guest on the Teens Talk Truth programs and contributor to the T3-Newsletter. We talked to Dr. Preas about the "Back to School Blues" and how to help our children adjust this fall.
  
 TTT-What causes the "back to school blues" and is it depression?
 
SP-It's not so much depression as often as it is anxiety as a result of change. Whether it's a new school or not, each year brings change and even if it's positive, it's still stressful.

TTT- With the amount of homework assigned in school and lots of extracurricular activity, do we need to worry about burnout for our kids?
 
SP-Burnout comes as a result of feeling alone and unappreciated. It's never the workload that's the cause of  burnout.This is true for adolescents and adults.
 
TTT-So, if a child has a 4.0 GPA, plays sports, holds a school office and is the lead in the school play, it doesn't have to cause burnout?
 
SP-Exactly. As long as they feel appreciated and supported by their friends and family, they won't feel what we commonly think of as burnout.
 
TTT-How important is sleep to our adolescents now that school's back in session?
 
SP-Sleep is critical to every human's well-being, especially adolescents. New studies show that adolescents need more sleep than others, not less. With more homework, extracurriculars and early rising times, it's difficult for teens and pre-teens to get the 8-10 hours they need.
 
TTT-What do you think about letting the kids catch up on their sleep over the weekend by sleeping late?
 
SP-By all means, let them sleep in! An adolescent's normal rhythm would have them waking up mid-morning and staying up until late at night. We can't change the school system, so during the week, there's not as much opportunity for sleep. When your child sleeps until noon on Saturday, please be tolerant. They will feel better if they get more sleep rather than less.
 
TTT-When the time changes in October (in most of the U.S.), our days get shorter. Does this trigger the blues in students who have Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) ?
 
SP-Some people experience depression in the winter when there's less light and the days are shorter and others only have S.A.D. in the spring and fall.
TTT: With a heavy homework load it seems like the kids have less time now to play outside. What are your thoughts on this?
SP:  One of the most important things we can support our children in doing is getting exercise, indoor or outdoor. Our bodies love exercise (not right before bedtime) and it's been proven to alleviate milder depression. Most athletes will tell you that they got their best grades during the sports season when they were exercising and had to manage their time better.

TTT-Aside from making sure our children get plenty of sleep and exercise, what else can parents do to help make the transition easier during the school year?
  
SP-Really listen to their concerns and discover if they're having problems with school or friends.  If you had a similar experience, then share your feelings and relate it to them. If you didn't, maybe a family member had a parallel experience. For example, "Your Aunt Susie had trouble getting up early like you did and she made it through. I know it's not easy for you right now."  You want your adolescent to know they're not alone and that you hear what experiences are troubling them.
TTT-Any parting thoughts?
SP: Yes! Remember the importance of touch. As children enter puberty, parents (especially fathers with daughters) tend to shy away from touch. Hugs and touch are especially important for our children as they move through adolescence.
 
TTT-Our thanks to Dr. Stephen Preas for his terrific insight and ideas. In essence, the four critical things to keep in mind for "back to school" are:
  • Sleep
  • Exercise
  • Hugs
  • Listen and relate                    

    What's the difference between the "blues" and depression?
    If your child is showing 5 or more of these symptoms for more than two weeks, it could be depression:  
  • Continual irritability
  • Frequent complaints of illness (headache, stomachache, nausea, fatigue)
  • Persistent sadness or episodes of crying
  • Loss of interest in usual activities
  • Weight gain or weight loss
  • Sleep difficulty (insomnia, early morning waking or sleeping too much)
  • Persistent boredom
  • Oppositional and/or negative behavior
  • Poor school performance or frequent school absences   

 Depression InformationResources

National Institute of Mental Health
Teen Suicide Prevention
Teen Suicide
Saving Your Life-Daily Guide to Coping with Depression
                                                                                                                     October 2009
                                                                                                                         Sexting
According to Nielsen Mobile, it's estimated that 80% of teens 13-17 are using cellphones. In my discussions with teens they  consider "sexting" to be sexually suggestive or explicit texts, not photographs. However, most parents and lawmakers group both into the category of "sexting".  Posession of sexuallllyy explicit photographs of a minor on a cellphone or computer is considered child pornography.  Right now it doesn't matter if a girl sends her boyfriend's cellphone her sexy pics, they could both be charged and listed as sex offenders. There is a New York lawyer who is petitioning for federal "sexting legislation" that would make sexting a misdemeanor for minors.

                                                                                                             Sexting Statistics 
 In a survey commissioned by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, it showed that 73% of teens surveyed knew that sexting could have negative implications, even though nearly half (48%) had been involved in sexting.  
  · 33% of teen boys and 25% of teen girls say they have had nude/semi-nude images (originally intended as private) shared with them.

 · 51% of teen girls say pressure from a guy is a reason girls send sexy messages or images.

 · 71% of teen girls and 67% of teen boys who have sent or posted sexually suggestive content have sent this to a boyfriend/ girlfriend.

                                                                                                                  Texting 

 Just plain texting can have unwanted consequences too, including "texter's thumb", sleep interference from late-night texting and dropping grades. Some cell phone companies will allow you to block texting between certain hours. Teens don't understand adults being on Twitter, because they're having that instant interchange with their friends through texting. Apparently some kids are so skillful that they can text behind their backs or through a jacket so parents and teachers don't even realize they're texting.  

                                                                                                              Facebook

In a Harvard dorm room in 2004, Mark  Zuckerberg, Dustin Moskovitz and Chris Hughes launched Facebook, today's premiere social networking site for teens and adults. In the beginning it only allowed users who had campus e-mail addresses and then in September 2005, Facebook opened  up to high-schoolers. Finally, a year later the floodgates opened when all were welcome to join this free social media site. There are over 69 million Facebook users and over 80% of those users are from youngsters up to 24 year-olds.        
                                                                                                         Computer Monitoring Software

Teens Talk Truth is a believer in software monitoring for your child's computer. This software monitors and records: screen shots, e-mails, IM chats, Facebook chats and Facebook messages. Our Internet Safety expert, Richard Shuster, M.S.W., has this software available for sale at www.ShusterSolutions.com. This website also offers information and links for parents to help keep your children safe online. 

 

                                                                                                               November 2009

 It's a question most parents ask themselves at some point, "Will my drinking or not drinking impact my teen?".  The answer is an unequivocal YES! As a recovering alcoholic, my children have never seen me drink alcohol (I got sober before they were born) and they've never been around many adults drinking. They've had a rather skewed worldview because of this. Much to my surprise, it didn't keep my daughter (now 21) from experimenting with alcohol as a teen. This month we look at parental impact on drinking.To share your experience or read about others' please go to our  Parents Talk Truth Blog.                                  
             Lisa Smith Henderson, Host

  Featured Interview
 
This month, I caught up with long-time friend, Elaine Levine,the founder of Atlanta Parent Network(www.ATLParentNetwork.com) and a graduate of Harvard and the Yale Law School. In addition to facilitating parenting classes for hundreds of parents in the Atlanta metro area, Elaine has been practicing law for the past 15 years (www.LDLawPractice.com) . She's represented over 480 families in a variety of legal matters. And, most importantly she is also the mother of three children, one who's still a teenager!
 
TTT-Elaine, when you work with parents what's the first thing you tell them about teens and alcohol?
 
EL-That they need to be careful how they talk about alcohol. If the parent comes home and says they've had a hard day and need a glass of wine or drink to destress, the child learns that's how to cope. 
 
TTT-What are some of the ways kids fool their parents if they're drinking or drugging?
 
EL-Parents are conditioned to look for dropping grades as a sign of alcohol or drug use. Often the kids will keep their grades high enough that parents don't suspect a problem.
This is one of the more effective ways that teens hoodwink their parents.

TTT-Can parent's get away with saying, "Do as I say, not as I do" when it comes to drinking?
 
EL-NO! Kids will look to their parents' drinking as a model for their own behavior. If mom or dad is enjoying a drink or glass of wine to unwind after a hard day or they get a little tipsy at a cocktail party, it sends a message that's it's adult, it's okay and it's fun.
 
  TTT-Would this also apply to "drinking and driving"?
 
EL-Yes, most definitely. When I teach parenting classes I ask the parents if they take the kids out to dinner and order a glass of wine or a beer. A majority of these parents raise their hands. Then I ask them, "Okay, who drove home?". At this point you can usually hear a pin drop. Parents who drive after having just one or two drinks are modeling "drinking and driving" for their teens. It's tough for kids to understand why they shouldn't drink and drive or ride with someone who's been drinking if their parents are doing the opposite.
  
To reach Elaine Levine at Levine & Dickman, LLP, you can call
404-233-5571 or go to:  www.LDLawPractice.com  and
                                              Alcoholic Gene Activated with Early Drinking 
In the December 2009 issue of "Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research" a new study confirms the belief that the age when a child has their first drink may enhance the role of genetic factors associated with vulnerability to alcoholism. It's possible that early use of alcohol may lead to modifications in the developing brain which, in turn, may modify expression of alcoholic  genes. Correspondingly, they found that those who began drinking  at a later age, the genetic influences played a much smaller part, while environment was the predominant factor.

Seeing Parents Drunk
The National Center on Addiction and Substance Abuse at Columbia University (CASA) "2009 National Survey of American Attitudes on Substance Abuse: Teens and Parents", revealed the following:
  • 33% of teens have seen one or both of their parents drunk.
  • Those teens are more than twice as likely to get drunk in a given month.
  • Those teens are more than three times as likely to have used marijuana.


                   Dads and Teen Drinking
One of the most interesting elements of teen drinking is the impact a teenager's father has on his/her drinking alcohol. The following outlines the numbers of teens who have TRIED alcohol.
  • 65% have tried alcohol if they believe their father is
    "okay with them drinking".
  • Comparatively, 41% have tried alcohol if there is NO father in the home.
  • Finally, just 25% have tried alcohol if their father is "against them drinking".
The following is the number of teens getting DRUNK monthly:
  • 34% of teens who get drunk monthly believe their father is "okay with them drinking".
  • While just 14% of teens who get drunk monthly believe their father is "against them drinking".                                           

 

                                                                                                                  December 2009 

   
In the spirit of the holiday season, I wanted to share a few stories of privileged teens who found meaning by giving to others. May this holiday season be filled with meaning and joy for you and your family. To write about your experiences or read those of others,  please visit our
Parents Talk Truth Blog.                            
                                  Lisa Smith  Henderson, Host               
           
Happiness Is Connected to Giving
Dan Baker who wrote, What Happy People Know found that
the happiest people are those who help others and donate to worthy causes. "Sharing what you have makes you feel connected to others, which gives you a deeper feeling of satisfaction in your life". This is endorsed by a study from Michael Liebowitz, M.D.at Columbia University, which concludes that doing good deeds causes a rise in dopamine and other brain chemicals known to boost mood. Our motives for giving really don't matter but the more you give, the more happiness you get. And Owen Flanagan, PhD from Duke University found that people who offer love and help to others are 16% less likely to get sick and 44% more likely to live longer. The reason: performing kind acts (even simply praying for others) reduces the leels of the stress hormone cortisol and increases levels of the happiness hormone oxytocin, triggering a spike in immune-boosting antibodies. So whatever your reason, 'tis the season to be giving! 

 In 2007, Andrew Sugrue went to Kenya on an exchange program through the Westminster Schools of Atlanta. As a result of this trip he founded EACEF in September of 2007 and continues as President of the organization. To find out more about this worthwhile project go to: the East African Children's Education Fund (www.EACEF.org).
TTT: Andrew, what interested you initially about the exchange program that Westminster had with Kenya?

AS: I was really intrigued by the idea of travelling to Africa, and the opportunity to go with the benefits of an endowed exchange program's financial aid was an opportunity that I could not pass up.

TTT: How did your time in Africa and seeing the lack of basic educational tools and living facilities hit you when you were first there?

AS: It was a shock to see the dismal resources the system offered to students in comparison with the potential of the children I met. This reality is something that stays with me to this day; it's one of the major influences that constantly push me to work for a better educational reality in East Africa.

TTT: When you came back to the States was it difficult to hear people complain about not having luxuries?
AS: 
Our culture in America is very material wealth-oriented. So I found it hard to reconcile the lives of the students I came to know in Kenya with my life in America. This disparity was one of the main drivers for me to start EACEF.

TTT:  How do you think your life would've been different if you hadn't gone to Kenya that year?
AS: I have always felt blessed for the conditions in which I was raised, to have plentiful food, a good education and a wonderful family, and I think I was always aware of the fact that not everyone was so lucky. But before my experience in Kenya, community outreach was not a part of my everyday life. So of course, my trip changed my life completely. While I still enjoy most of the same aspects of the life of a 20 year old, I try to be aware of both how lucky I am to be in this position and how that luck is a responsibility to act for those who can't for themselves.

TTT: What would you say to parents about getting their teens involved in service work?

AS: I would tell parents to be as encouraging as possible about getting involved in some form of service. The trick is to provide your children with as many engaging opportunities as possible, because in the end, the point of service is lost if the action is forced, so it really needs to be the child's choice to participate. Give them the freedom to get involved with what they are passionate about, as they are most likely to be successful when they are doing what they love.

TTT: What is your vision for the East African Children's Education Fund?

AS: My vision is to work myself out of a job! As an organization, we strive to see the day that all children are given an equitable and fair chance at achieving their dreams through a quality education. Unfortunately, the conditions are such that quality education for all, especially those in rural areas, is quite a long ways off. 
Your generous support can truly make the difference in creating educational opportunity for the children of East Africa! Contributions of all sizes are welcomed. To donate online,www.EACEF.org , or mail a check to

EACEF
1266 West Paces Ferry Road, Suite 271
Atlanta, GA 30327
Also, if your child is interested in starting a chapter at their school, contact our VP for Community Relations, Alexis Mitchell, at amitchell@eacef.org or check out eacef.org for more information.